


No Regrets

by Renshuusei01



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 09:06:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13143450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renshuusei01/pseuds/Renshuusei01
Summary: Levi packs Erwin's things after he dies.Written for the Veterans Secret Santa event on tumblr.For ackbang.





	No Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is good. I did my best...

Levi slowly cracked the door to Erwin's bedroom open and stepped inside after taking a deep breath. He looked around once he closed the door after himself and leaned back on it. 

The room was a total mess. There were many papers and books scattered around on the desk in the corner, on the shelves,on the dresser, on the nightstand and even on the bed. The man was tidier than that normally but he probably had worked until sunrise thus hadn't had the time to clean the room before leaving two nights ago, he thought to himself. 

Erwin would never return in it anyway. They had just returned from the mission to reclaim Wall Maria. There were only nine members of the Scouting Legion left and Erwin wasn't one of them. 

It was hard to believe really. Levi felt as if the man would appear from somewhere with another crazy gamble planned about the titans, the walls, the outside world or something related to those and he would have to scold him for minutes to convince him to rest a few days as always. 

Though he knew he would never get to do that again. He would never see Erwin again. He would never hear the childlike excitement in his voice as he talked about a theory he had in that big head of his. He would never have a one sided verbal argument with him again as Erwin brushed him off without the slightest care. He would never-

Levi shook his head and started to walk around the room. He didn't want to think about Erwin as he knew he wouldn't be able to hold himself when there was no one else around and he couldn't do that. He couldn't break down. Not in that room. 

He was there to pack Erwin's personal belongings eventhough the man didn't have any family to send them to. Hanji would need the Commander's room after all. 

He took another deep breath and tried to swallow the knot that had started to form in his throat as he walked to the desk first. 

All the papers were unnecessary and useless as he had predicted. There were a few incomplete drawings for new formations, some ideas Erwin had scribbled down with his hurried, unreadable hand writing, outdated reports and stuff like that. 

Slowly, Levi collected every piece of yellowed paper around the room and put them in one of the two wooden crates he had sent into the room before himself. The other one was for the things he would keep. 

He decided to look through the wardrobe and the dresser before inspecting the books. He threw the old clothes into the crate with the papers except for the black suit jacket that was one size small for Erwin and that he had lent to Levi once. He folded it carefully and put it on the bottom of the second crate. 

The nightstand drawer and the small joined bathroom didn't have anything special either, only some necessities like handkerchiefs, a comb and a toothbtush. There were also a few keys for the important rooms in the HQ. He put those in his pocket and threw the rest away. 

He carefully removed the bedsheets and dumped them in a pile next to the door. There were nothing other than the books to go through after those. So he put all the books on Erwin's desk and started to look at them one by one.

Most of them were old records of the Scouting Legion, maps and diaries of the previous commanders and researches about the origin of the titans. Some pages were marked in all of the books and Erwin had underlined and taken notes on most of the pages. They were mostly useless things as they didn't have any different information than the books in the library and Erwin wasn't there to read them anymore. Still, Levi couldn't bring himself to throw them away, knowing how much Erwin valued them. 

After half an hour or so, thwre was only one book left on the desk. Levi picked it up halfheartedly. He would have to leave the room after looking at it to never return. He slowly opened the first page. 

It was Erwin's diary. 

He shut it suddenly and put it in the crate with the things he would keep. He wasn't ready to read it. Not then. Not so soon. 

He hurriedly took the first crate and the bedsheets to a cell in the undergroung level. They would be burned later. Then he returned to take the second one in his own room. 

Inside, he slowly emptied the contents on his desk to wrap them better. When he leaned down to put the crate on the floor, the edge of it hit the table and Erwin's diary fell down on the carpet. 

He immediately picked it back up to put it back on the desk but something had slipped on the floor from it. Taking it with his other hand, he saw that it was an envelope with a single word and a sentence written with that terrible handwriting. 

'Levi.'

'Please read this as soon as you see it.'

He put the diary on the desk and opened the envelope hesistantly. There were five pages folded together. 

He closed his eyes for a second. Erwin had left him a letter. A part of him said not to read it. It was probably full of Erwin's 'No Regrets' speeches. He should just throw it away or at least he should wait until he decided to read the diary too, he told himself... 

...But Erwin had wanted him to read it immediately. 

Sighing, he went over to his bed and unfolded the pages after sitting down. The deceased man had no mercy. 

'If you are reading this, I must already be dead otherwise you wouldn't lay your hands on this pitiful excuse of a goodbye.'

Already, Levi could feel his chest clenching. He was probably holding Erwin's will in his hands. 

'I never thought that it would be this hard to write. It’s not because I have to imagine what will happen after my death. I already do that everyday but...I can't find words when it comes to you, Levi. This is something I must do because I know that I will never get to say what I want to say when we are face to face. Still, it's too hard. This one is already my fifth try, you know?'

Erwin had drawn a stupid smiling face there. Like a child. What was it that he had wanted to tell him? 

Levi thought of skipping to the end then reading the whole thing later but dismissed the idea. 

'I remember the day we met. It took quite a bit ıf work to catch you and your friends eventhough I knew that getting caught by me was part of your plan. I must admit, you were the best actor I habe ever seen. If I hadn't had previous knowledge about you and your plan, you would probably succeed easily. I wouldn't understand a thing. But then again, you have always been good at everything you did.'

Levi frowned at that last sentence. He wasn't like that. He was a failure. He hadn't been able to protect Erwin. He hadn't managed to kill the beast titan. 

'You have always been a unique one. I have never met someone like you before. I had to try really hard to understand you after you joined the Scouting Legion. The way you used the 3DMG, the way you viewed things, the way you did the chores and even the way you held your cup was different. You were interesting. More than interesting. 

I knew you hated me then but to me, you were becoming more and more important each day.

After the first expedition you joined, after Farlan and Isabel died, I really expected you to hate me even more than before but you surprised me again and agreed to stay by my side.'

Levi took the second page. How could he keep hating Erwin? 

The man had become all he had left. He had showed him a new world. He had been understanding and patient with him. He had beared his personality and sharp tongue all that time. 

'Levi, I remember teaching you how to read and write. You were a slow learner at first. You never listened to me when I tried to explain something. You tried to figure the whole thing out all on your own after I first showed you the letters. You held the pen in a strange way and struggled for weeks before finally letting me take your hand and show you the correct way. 

To me, it was the first time you lowered your walls and acknowledged my being there with you. I never forgot how your smaller hand felt in my scarred palm even after nearly five years.'

Levi remembered that evening too. He hadn't understood how people managed to write and not mess the ink like he did for nearly three weeks. He had practised secretly to prove that he didn't need Erwin's help more to himself than him but in the end, he had dropped the pen when all the muscles in his right hand started to ache. Erwin had quietly leaned over his smaller body and slipped his own hand around Levi’s and he hadn't said anything, accepting defeat. To him, it felt humiliating to stay below someone but he had understood again just how better Erwin was than him that evening. And he had never had any difficulty in writing after that. Erwin had even complimented his penmanship after comparing his own messy letters with Levi's small, curly ones. 

'I remember, we were having a meeting once but you weren't paying attention. It was out of ordinary for you to do that and I was about to call out to you and tell you to follow the meeting when I noticed the snow falling quietly outside. It was your first time seeing snow. 

I carried on with the meeting and let you watch the snow. There was just something about your expression then.

I remember forcing you out after the meeting with the excuse of wanting to take a walk. I made up a story about me liking the snow even as a kid and all but really, I hated it.

You complained about the cold and declared you didn't like the snow one bit like a stubborn teenager who didn't want their parents to know that they still liked one of their childhood toys.

But I knew better. I could see your eyes sparkling. I also saw the sadness peeking through a few times that day. You were probably thinking about how Farlan and Isabel couldn't see the snow.'

Levi remembered that day too. Erwin had known exactly what he felt. It was a little surprising to learn that he had been like an open book to Erwin, esspecially when he couldn't understand the other man at all or couldn't see what he saw despite standing right beside him on the day he decided to follow Erwin.

'We went to a tea shop once together. We were in the inner districts for a military meeting then. I still remember the exact expression on your face when you tasted the strong blends. It was the first time I saw you showing a smile as you asked the waiter the names and the blends of all four different teas you tasted. It was so small that one wouldn't notice it unless they were already looking for it but it was there nonetheless and it suited you. That was the first day I realised that I wanted to see you happy all the time.'

Levi didn't know what to think by that point. He could remember having the exact same thought about Erwin when he had told Levi all his life and dreams one night after an expedition with more losses than predicted. 

'I don't really know when it started but when I woke up on the hospital bed with my right arm gone and you sleeping on a chair near my bedside, I suddenly realised how attached to you I had become. I watched your sleeping face for a long time and only closed my eyes when you stirred to not be caught staring. 

You talked to me, thinking I was asleep. You apologized Levi. You promised to not let me get hurt again and help me adapt to live with one arm. You told me you would do everything for me. You would write the reports and letters for me since I wouldn't be able to anymore. You told me my handwriting was terrible anyway but I heard your breath hitching. 

You put your right hand on my left and told me that you would teach me how to write with that hand. You would hold my hand until I got comfortable with the pen and you would learn to write with your other hand too to show me how, you said. 

I didn't expect you to really do it but you never cease to surprise and amaze me anyway. 

But Levi, know one thing, I was only sad that day because it was my right arm not the left. It was my hand with the scar that your blade left. It was the one I could feel the warmth of your hand in if I closed my eyes. I haven't even realised I was one armed and couldn't probably use the 3DMG for a while until I saw Hanji in her uniform.'

Levi closed his eyes. Erwin had heard him. Erwin had known. Erwin had heard hşm crying over him getting injured. All that time...Had he understood? Had he known that Levi had started to feel things he shouldn't for his commanding officer and another man at that? What had he thought of him if he had understood? 

He opened his eyes after taking another deep breath. There was only one page left. 

'Levi, I don' t really know how else to word this so I will say it directly.

Maybe you will be disgusted. Maybe you will started thinking of me differently. Maybe you will assume things and start hating me for real. 

I don't know. You are complicated. This feeling...it is complicated. But I have to say it somehow. 

I am afraid of telling it to your face. I don't want to lose your friendship. I...I am a coward. But once I say this, I will have no regrets even if I die because I know that you will never feel the same way but at least, you will know. 

Levi Ackerman, 

You are the most amazing person I have ever met. You are perfect. You made me feel many new things. You reminded me that I was human. You stayed with me through all the hard times. You were always strong. You beared me. 

 

Levi:

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I HAVE EVER LOVED ANYONE ELSE. 

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF.'

 

The letter ended there. 

The pages fell from his grasp and Levi closed a hand over his mouth. 

He stared blankly at the old papers for long minutes...

...And finally, he let the sobs shake his shoulders as he bit into his hand to silence himself. 

He loved Erwin Smith too. 

He loved the bastard so much. 

He had lost him.


End file.
